“Leap and the net will appear.” This was in a GoingPro blog in May. And it hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m a planner…I visualize my goal and my destination and then I plan. Okay maybe some of my friends would argue that I over plan. But that’s my nature…I’m dichotomous. I have a strong pull towards all things nerdy and geeky – libraries, museums, literature, science, math. Seriously, I get geeked in class as we solve a really complex word problem! On the other hand, my life feels empty and dry without something creative fueling me. I like to get my hands dirty…I paint, I make note cards, I write letters, poems and prose…and I try random DIY projects at home (Home Depot loves me). Every once in a while, I like to drift into a world without words and just images…a place that is limited only by my imagination. I’m a dreamer…and I think daydreaming is healthy. But I’m also a planner. I envision my goal and then I write and write and write. I write about my dreams and goals and how I think I can get there. I start creating a route for myself. I write because I know that once things get rough, I need something to bring me back to my dream…to remind me why I started all this in the first place. It’s like my roadmap…every time I feel lost, I come back to what I wrote. And I write every time I feel inspired and motivated…I cherish those moments. But I also write when I’m frustrated and angry and feel like I just can’t make it…when it seems like no one I know understands how desperately I want this to work because so much of this struggle goes beyond pretty pictures on a website. I empty it out onto paper…I clear my thoughts and I let myself breathe.
Three years ago, things fell into place in a way that allowed me to pursue a lifelong dream. I somehow ended up in Norwalk…a place most people in LA don’t even know about. It moved me even further from work and suddenly I was commuting 20 miles each way. But it brought me closer to taking photography classes. I jumped at the chance and haven’t looked back since. My days were spent hyping middle school kids in South LA on the beauty of math. (Yes, I said the BEAUTY of math!). Exhausted, I would drive almost 30 miles to evening photography classes twice a week. And suddenly I felt that spark and I fell into a daydream. I thought about dreams I hadn’t visited since I was a kid. Neurons were firing and my heart was racing and when I felt like I couldn’t contain it any longer, I wrote. I planned…I set out a five year and a ten year plan. That was three years ago. Sometimes I feel like I’m behind schedule…but I’m really not. I’m right where I need to be. Last year, I took a leap…and I prayed to God the net would appear. I knew all along that when I started my photography career, I wanted to do it the right way. I would listen to what all the pros say to noobs like me – get your technical side down, price yourself right, write a business plan, file for a license. So I did – I wrote up a business plan…worked on it every night until 3 or 4am for weeks. I bugged my friends to review my plan, my images, my logo and so on. I am so grateful to all of them for their continued encouragement, support and patience. They have been my biggest promoters since the beginning. In October of 2009, I took the next step and filed for my business license and applied for insurance. I worked and reworked my pricing…scrounged the internet for every crumb of information I could find. In April I started fleshing out my branding and website. I spent my entire vacation from work working. I was sort of moving along…miniscule movements of progress mainly. But something was amiss. I felt like a race car revving my engine but not going anywhere. It was around that time that something amazing just fell into my life. I attended two talks at the Cypress College Photography Expo. The first talk was by Jasmine Star. I walked in thinking it was about marketing but I learned so much more. When she started talking about her journey, I felt nailed to my seat. She talked about the fear and the isolation…about lurking on forums but not participating…about aching to attend workshops and seminars but not being able to work it into the budget…about surfing through amazing online portfolios and feeling inadequate….and I thought she must be reading my mind. Of course I realize half the room must have felt that. But it was the timing that amazed me…it was like a little message from above. I felt shell shocked and as much as I wanted to rush up to her at the end and gush (oh yeah, no lies, I would have gushed) I felt so overwhelmed, I had to leave. I was literally shaking as I left the room and I just remember thinking I had to find a quiet place. I had to write. This is what I wrote:
April 9, 2010
This is my letter to myself. Here I am sitting in a beautiful sunshine-y spot on the floor just trying to wrap my brain around what’s in my brain. I spent the past hour and a half listening to Jasmine Star speak. She told her story and though so much of our stories are not alike – she spoke as if she was reading my mind and revealing what is in my heart. She talked about struggle and not having any money when she started and about the reality of dreams. She talked about the isolation and fear, the complete paralysis of my own fear, and she talked about jealousy and stewing in your own venom.
More than anything else, she talked about being yourself and being true to yourself. Not trying to be every other photographer – just being be and being honest about me.
So here I am – making myself a promise to carve out my own path, Because I know in my heart and soul that I can be successful by being me and I don’t have to follow a recipe. I have never been that girl and I’ve never fit any mold…so why have I been trying to do just that this past year?
This is my wake up call. It’s not worth doing if I can’t be me while doing it. I don’t want your revolution if I can’t dance.
Who knew that day would be a double whammy. Right after her talk, I listened as Dane Sanders explained how he had arrived in the world of photography. More than that, I felt like I was in an intervention! He asked questions…and answered them…about what really made each of us tick. Once again, I felt like someone was peeking into my innermost thoughts and it was nerve racking. But both of these people unknowingly helped me shift my course. Both unwittingly helped me to overcome a little bit of the fear that was holding me back…fear that was keeping my foot on the brake.
Life since then hasn’t suddenly taken a miraculous turn. I haven’t booked my first wedding yet…in fact, I haven’t marketed myself yet. But it has nothing to do with fear anymore. Oh I’m still afraid out of my mind that I’m going to fail miserably…but I believe so much more that I will never know unless I try. The difference is, I am no longer afraid to put myself out there and try. What has changed is my approach to becoming involved with the photography community. I’ve started responding back on blogs and forums that I follow. I email people whose work I admire and ask for help (check out Ann Montieth’s response to my questions about pricing in the “Ask the Experts” section of Professional Photographer). I have put my work out there a little more…competitions and exhibits. I met with a potential client for the first time and though I didn’t book the wedding, it was a great first meeting. After that meeting, I felt even more confident about my work and my pricing.
For months now, I’ve visited the section on MEI about Skip’s Summer School trying to calculate and re-calculate my teachers’ budget so I can fit in such an amazing opportunity. It lands during the first summer break I’ve had in seven years (our school is moving from a year round schedule to traditional summer). Even more importantly, I’ve taken the first steps of starting a photography business and I need all the help I can get. So the timing is perfect in so many ways. If only…
If you’ve come this far in my story, thank you. I couldn’t tell you why I so badly want to attend Skip’s Summer School without telling you who I am and where I am. This is me, and I’m taking the leap…and I’m hoping the scholarship will be part of my net.
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